Archive | May, 2016

Idris Elba

24 May

Six part series examining the history of the Italian island of Elba, presented by Idris Elba. Other than the part about Napoleon it is quite boring.

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Bill & Ben’s Excellent Adventure

23 May

Bill & Ben are two future leaders of the world, in order to ensure that this comes to pass they send someone back in time to help them pass a test at school. However there is a mix up and they end up with the flower pot men, not the intended stoners . The flower pot men jump on the opportunity and they beat the future emissary to death with their terracotta fists. They then steal the time machine and venture into time and space. A pair of right proper bastards they cause chaos throughout time venturing seemingly randomly to different societies in history and killing important figures. However on their last trip they visit a community of other flower pot people, on the eve of the genocidal destruction of the ancient race of terracotta people. The audience realises that their previous belief that Bill and Ben were evil crazed killers whilst correct was not based on full information – this was revenge. Bill & Ben rejoin their ancestors and with the benefit of hindsight are able to fight off the murderous humans who planned to kill them. We end with Bill and Ben disabling the time machine and rejoining their people ready for a new and more just history to begin.

Chris Packham’s Pacman Pachyderm Project

18 May

FINALLY

Chris Packham gets members of the public to compete for prizes by playing Pacman except instead of a computer game it is played with actual camels painted different colours and chased around a maze by celebrities who are having instructions shouted to them by the competitors.

It’s a knockout with gratuitous animal cruelty which Packham becomes increasingly distressed by. Ultimately Packham has an off screen fist fight with the director resulting in him being replaced by Fearne Cotton half way through an episode.

(regretfully edited to remove typo that originally read “plaid with actual camels”)

CYNDI LOOPER

18 May

It is 1977 and Cyndi Lauper is employed as an assassin who kills people with bags on their heads who materialise in fields. ONE DAY the person has gotten the bag off of their head and it is her future self. Before she shoots the old cyndi lauper does a runner, the chase ensues but eventually they decide to team up and write She’s So Unusual together. In the final scene they dance infront of a mirror singing Girls Just want to Have Fun using hairbrushes as microphones – fade to black, and the real adventure begins.

Wimkhana and Werner Horse-og

17 May

HORSES

Wim Wenders and Werner Herzog together at last for this scripted reality t.v. programme in which the pair must learn to ride horses with the ultimate aim of competing in the Cheltenham Festival. They each narrate the efforts of the other expect a lot of morose hatred of nature and and a peculiar hint of magical realism.

 

Bo-bo Fett

17 May

Lifestyle programme in which bounty hunter Boba Fett takes us around Paris visiting the chicest nightspots around. Also: fashion tips!

General Ellen Macarthur

14 May

Ellen Macarthur sails across the pacific single handed under the delusion that she is combatting the Japanese army during world war 2. It ends with her invading Japan and attempting to assume  the role of supreme commander for the allied powers.